Today, in the morning, shortly after I woke up, I checked my mails. I always check my mails in the morning, not even my eyes are open, and I wanna connect to the world outside. To make sure, that everything is ok, that I didn’t miss anything.
Maybe this is something important in my life, I don’t wanna miss anything, I wanna see/do/participate.
So I found an email in my inbox folder from one of my close friends…maybe she doesn’t even describes herself, as a close friend of mine…anyway, she has/had an important part in my life, being part – without knowing it – of my decisions in important situations and showing me, how one can live determined.
She just wanted to know, if everything is fine here, if I live ok, and in someway, I think, she also wanted to talk. So she “said”, how bold my decision was, to come here, to change my actual position, to leave my employer and the country I lived.
It made me think.
I mean, someone also could consider my BIG DECISION a cowardliness. I couldn’t stand my work anymore, I can’t deal with the every day life. All I did is replicating, what I already knew. What is it like to work, like one would only throw up something, one already has eaten previously? I wanna eat again, digest, feel the aroma of the knowledge and that of the learning. Money?…maybe doesn’t even matter, you know, it is about not feeling dead while I am still alive.
So when this close friend of mine wrote in the email, that she is reconsidering her decision of having created a nest for herself and her partner in the town, where she started to work after the university, I felt something frightening: I found the meaning of my life.
Frightening, because I never thought, there would be something like ONE meaning of the life. And frightening, because maybe I am wrong, and at this point, I could stop to look for further meanings. (Is the meaning of the life ambiguous?)
I am still sure, that there is an individual meaning for everyone. I am sure, that people, who are married and have five children before they turn thirty, have found the meaning of their life, and am sure, that I couldn’t live their lives not even for a second (I am also sure, that they would find my “homelessness” terrible and maybe also senseless). I am sure, that THE meaning of one’s life is as personal as defining beauty, love or hate.
The meaning of my life is this: not being satisfied, until there is the minimum of sentiment of mine, that tells me to go on. It can be hard for the people who are around me, like Giorgio, who is the quite opposite of mine and would maybe never change a comma in his life, when he finds the balance of living calm and peaceful. But he accepts me and helps me in everything I do, he is just sooooo perfect as a partner!
So maybe I should accept, that my life will always be like this. I maybe always will change important columns of my life from one second to another, and wanna always have something new for me, something, I still don’t know and haven’t seen or tried before. The life is just so short, why should I renounce on something, I also could see and know?
It doesn’t make my life easier, but who wants to live easy? What I want is feeling alive, having difficulties, having always something to think, to wonder at.
Does that make sense?