I start with a Depeche Mode quote, the all-time favorites; balance is what I miss the most in the last months, my balance.
I know I am the only one, who is responsible for having it or losing it completely.
I remember, when I started my first university in Debrecen – wasn’t even a university, it was a college – and I wanted to be not only the best student, but also wanted to make new friends, I wanted to participate in everything I could, so I was a speaker in the college radio, was a student representative at the dormitory and at the college and was at every party until 5 in the morning, had French lessons, I gave private German lessons and studied, like studied-by-the-way. I would have never thought I could ever burn out. Now I feel, I would like to do the same, but am too old or tired doing everything.
What the heck did Depeche Mode know in 1984 about cell phones, deadlines, working on skype with a project while listening to speeches on a conference or living in a relationship and working for the own activity while working also on Sundays with the “official work”. Taking time from one thing to get working on something else and even losing sleep because I need to think and use the night for that.
In the last two months we managed to recover a delayed project from being delayed and I translated in these two months definitely more, than in the last 6 months, and it had its stamp on my life. The results: I am nervous almost all the time, I can’t and don’t want to think on going out, I am obsessed with taking exams and getting certified by every organization this year to make sure I will find another work after I finish my job here. I started to do yoga in the morning, but recently I renounced on it, since I am so tired in the mornings, that I almost can’t get my eyes out of the wrinkles and get myself on the way to work.
What is balance for me?
I know lots of people, who work, have family and have their hobbies, so do I. I love reading, going to museums, staying on my own and taking walks, cooking, listening to music and reading the lyrics of the songs, playing my flute. I love drinking beer with Giorgio and talking about the societies’ diseases, how people forget, that following the ultimate fashion is not that important, than living in balance with the elements, or being happy, being able to smile, to joke, having the brain and the body all the time active, or travelling.
After my successful diet of about two years ago, right now I don’t even know, how much I weigh, I just feel myself tired and can’t manage to go even for a 5K run.
When do I stop? What should bring me to stop and enjoy my life? What is my life? How do I define enjoying it? If I can’t manage every part of it, what should I renounce on? Will I make the best decision by choosing one thing? Is there only one good decision? Why do I think, that a day is too short to do everything? Is it a good sign or a sign that I try to turn myself into a perpetuum mobile? Do I have to stop to explore new things, because I am full with my life’s “old” things and can’t push into it anything more?
I do feel ashamed, when I get home from work and don’t want to do anything, and I think, that instead of doing nothing, I could listen to my podcast of business English or do some voice coaching, but is that right, that I never give me peace?
It is not like I would just work all the time. I do gardening, I still go out with the few friends I have here, I look at movies, have time to buy my bread at the market and do shopping, but I do these things in the slots of times, I find in between of working, not when I want to, and when I am too tired, I cut off time of these things, not of work.
I will turn 37 in a month and would live every moment of my life again, if I could. I have made no bad decisions until now. Was I just lucky? I think very often on the fact, that I only have one life to live, so life is an opportunity, I can’t waste, since it is unique and lasts not forever.
Death is the worst deadline I’ve ever had.