Mental trips

Loneliness

I’ve been this week on my first ever European Review Meeting. From the point of view of interculturality, it was sparkling. Greek project managers, with their really sweet accent, their interminable lust for life and their serenity; the German partners, who appeared in the lobby for a dinner, settled for 8 PM exactly 3 minutes before 8 PM (they had to wait some minutes, until the Greeks arrived, but they were really quiet and had a perfect presentation for the meeting, like it was taught us, when we’ve been students in Munich), the Hungarian partners, who had their own path and wanted us to assure them, that their job is important in the project (which is obvious, without them, there would be no project at all), and our “British” group, with me, Hungarian, the medical partner represented by a Spanish guy, the project manager, from Sri Lanka and our MD from Germany. So good to be European!

My point is though the loneliness this time. We started our journey on Tuesday. We’ve flown to Luxembourg together, took the bus together, arrived to the hotel together, had dinner, drinks in the bar, breakfast the next morning and the whole rehearsal day together. We’ve talked the whole day, I made my notes about the speakers, about their presentations, and after 10 hours straight talking, I just felt exhausted. I needed quiet time, I needed no people and being in my room with my thoughts be thought, which I had to suppress during the two days, I wanted to have a bit more space for my own.

I like having people around, but I realize, that my lifestyle made me loving being alone. I wanted to have breakfast alone the next day, I checked in for the flight on my own and assured to have a seat on my own and the evening after the review meeting, when I finally arrived at home, I loved having my own apartment for me, having dinner alone. 

We lived together with Giorgio for years, and we really had a great time together, but I have to state, that with him, I don’t have to renounce on myself, I still can have time for myself, so often I just go to my office – which will be a baby room, once we decide to have family – and stay there with my books, surf the internet or even watch some of my sitcoms on my own. Sometimes, when we go for a walk, we don’t say a word for our 5 km walk. I love it.

How is it to understand? Are we two individualists, who love each other so much, that we even are able to suffer to live together and still stay individualists? (He is even more ok with being alone, then me) 

The stupid arguments, that singles always say, why they don’t want to commit to have a partner, like not having told from anyone, in which museum to go, what to eat, when to wake up, which film to pick in the movie theatre is something definitely important, which is not to understand, that we go the movies and go to different screens, sure, we have to give up something for the other, but it is not like I would be his half and we would make only one person together, rather we are two in the relationship, and respect that the other person can have different wishes, thoughts or even dreams. 

Am I unable to have friends here, because I don’t need them? I told myself years ago, that going out, just for the sake of not being alone at home is the stupidest thing ever. Being in a stupid company makes you feel only lonelier, than being literally on your own. And I stick to this idea. I hate dinners, where I don’t want to be and follow people, just because I don’t want to lose them.

Things are going on their natural path, and you will never be or feel alone, if you seriously trust yourself. 

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