Mental trips

Hanging in the balance

I never thought, that being rejected can be so painful. I was rejected previously so often times, I didn’t think, that I can’t handle it.

It is not about winning, people say, it is about the participation. Bullshit. Being anyone in the classification, if you can’t win, can be comfort to you, at least you were there, but being the second in the classification is no win, it is a loss. Always.

I should move on and reconsider, if I really want to move on or if I should try to give my best in my current situation, but I can’t. Since I don’t even have any explanations for my fall, I am re-thinking all over again, what could have been wrong, and I am always at the point, where I just don’t know.

Like being in a relationship, where you think, you are pretty good and then from all of a sudden, he drops you and can’t – or won’t – even explain the why.

How strange are the first some weeks in a relationship….I am a person, who starts falling in love at the first impression. I never had any boyfriend, who was previously my friend for a short or long period, it is love from the first moment on.

What do you do, when you understand, that you are in love? You try to impress the other one with trying to be perfect, with pleasing him, even changing yourself to show him, that you are actually better, than you are. What sense does it make? If you keep staying together, he will notice, that you are not a marathon runner, just someone, who occasionally goes for a run, that you don’t read every goddamn news on slashdot, and are not an expert in European politics. (why are these the examples, that came into my mind? These would be important for me in the other person? Definitely not. I need a calm and caring person, who loves and understands me. Having friends in common, loving the same movie and thinking the same about Merkel is NOT IMPORTANT! (for me at least, that is not, what a long-term relationship can keep together, this can keep together friends, but friends’ responsibility almost ends there, where starts that of a lover.))

So why do we become so people-pleaser, when we are in love? Why can’t we just be like always? Why do we try to get dressed in a special way and hold our breath to keep our bellies flat and never go to poo in the other one’s house even when we sleep over? Do we really believe, that he thinks, that we never poo? Or is it really so embarrassing, that our poo smells bad, like every other fucking human poo?

Then months pass by, and we realize, that the other person is angry sometimes, that his mouth smells bad in the morning, and he poos, och yeah, his poos are so smelly, that we definitely can’t stand to go to the bathroom after him, that his friends are annoying, that his hobbies with the ridiculous collecting comics or participating in the middle-school swimming team is just something childish and not really anything of worth for us, we realize, that he not only does not like to drink wine, but he doesn’t even understand, why we are doing it and we suddenly have an argument. About a stupid thing, like listening to music in the morning with headphones or not, since he doesn’t like our style, and we start to make questions:

why, och why we were so idiots to please this person for months, that he finally decided to start a relationship with us and we changed our outfit and went with him to bullshit events and wrote and re-wrote every bloody message to him, to get it perfect, what a time-waste!!!! That period AND the relationship itself.

Like a new job, where we want to fit into. And we still feel bad, if he drops us, because it feels like a loss. Like we wouldn’t be good enough for him, but rather HE has nothing, what we would need.

Easy to say: be yourself, but really: BE YOURSELF, TRUST YOUR FEELINGS, LOVE YOURSELF more than anybody else, only in this way can you transmit what you are and understand, what you really feel.


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