When I was tasked to perform a project manager’s work, I swore to myself to try to do it on the correct way. To set up plans and organize the work, rather than just to control.

To take the responsability for my decisions, to tell honestly to my team, if I was mistaken, to take into account, that what we are doing is only a job, and not our life, so if there is someone on a sick leave or someone wants to go on holiday, I will try to let it fit in, to please my team, because this is, what I have to do: I have to organize a project, based on the capacity of the contributing people and the given circumstances, so that we reach the possibly best outcome based on these conditions (doesn’t necessarily mean success…).

Certain principles lead me, like: There is no way, that anyone would work better, if you continue to be a dick with. I try not to micromanage, I try to trust and not to drive people crazy, who have to report to me, since I know, how it is, when you are under pressure:

You can’t concentrate anymore, since you are only thinking about what your boss will say and not about the problem you have to solve. If you have to report every hour about the progress of your work, you lose more time in reporting, than in working, if you have to justify, that you need a lunchbreak, then there is no motivation or fun anymore, and your performance reaches the bottomline sooner, than you can finish singing a song. The time for having problems should be risk-managed correctly during the planning, and shouldn’t surprise any project manager or managing director. We are humans, we make errors.

If you press, your team members might get stressed. Being stressed can’t be described easily, I guess, everyone reacts on the stress differently.

I immediately realize to stop breathing correctly, which causes me a kind of hyperventillation, I am always close to faint. My shoulders are in tension, my neck is in tension, which causes me an unpleasant feeling for my body, my back is curved, all my furrows get visible, even the mega-master-vein in the middle of my front starts to pulse continuously.

I can’t focus on anything, I do repetitive things more often, like drinking a sip of water or coffee every 20 seconds, my throat is closed, I feel myself just being in a bad shape and my face is sad. Och, yeah, my sad-face…I don’t know, if you have a sad face, my face, when I am sad turns into a 20 years older Kis’ face.

I can’t force myself to smile, I can’t think on anything funny, am unable to laugh out loud, I…I am just sad, which is a terrible mental state for me, I feel it down to my stomach.

Me, who is a very happy morning person, me, who wakes up on a normal day at 5 – 5:30 full of energy, with the smile on my face thinking about what everything I can do, I turn into a bear during winter season, who just sits down infront of her computer and doesn’t even want to move, just thinks and rethinks the worse situations, which the pressure can cause during the coming day. Even my lids are heavier, when I am sad…I even wear my goggles, when I am sad.

THIS is, what I would never do to anyone by being her/his project manager. Never-ever want I be the cause of anyone’s insomnia, be the subject of anyone’s hate…

Being remembered on all this by experiencing the stress again after months…well, yes…tough.


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